I can’t believe I haven’t posted this year. Unfortunately, I don’t come here on a positive note. I fear I’m going to have to start over, soon. If it happens, I’ll be at square one. No progress made since the last time I started over…6 years ago. I feel my youth was wasted in that time. I don’t know what to do. Social anxiety has fucked me. Too old to not have any real job experience. How am I going to take care of myself? What will I do? I don’t know if I’m capable of taking the easy way out, like I had planned ages ago. And on the off chance I don’t have to start over…I’ll have to compromise or give up, completely, more of myself and who I am. There’s already little left of me. How did I let it go so far? How can I get over this anxiety when I haven’t been able to before? My online sales are pathetic. I was too scared to do youtube. I just don’t have the talent/skills or drive to do anything real. I’m scared to death.
Wow, two days in a row. Maybe this one will be less depressing. My motivation for this post, besides wine, is desire.
What drives our desires? Why or how do some desires become stronger than others? Do other people have similar desires? Why do mine seem so far into left field? Granted, most of my thoughts, are in left field. Hell, I would even venture to say…”perverse”.
Sometimes, I think I can trace my odd ways of thinking to being birthed by an older mother. Maybe they’re “problems” or developmental issues.
Then again, how odd could my thoughts be if they can be satiated online? Though…there are some creepers out there. I’m probably one of them, though. UGH.
I can’t believe how long its been since I’ve posted. Even a fashion post. I guess, momentarily, I tricked my mind into believing things were getting better. I had a plan. With SA you come to depend on things aren’t dependable…because you feel like it’s the only choice you have. Christmas just passed and it ended up being one that will haunt me for years to come. Most of it was fine but the end…I didn’t deserve it. No one deserves that. I’ve spent the last two days…alone. Just remembering. And I know I should consider myself “lucky” or fortunate. There are ppl without families or homes or those in the midst of war.
It was the first Christmas I’ve had that ended with me wondering how I was going to get the gun in the nightstand. OBVIOUSLY, that thought has passed. And booze was an aid in that thought. I’m too much of a pussy and for some reason I always cling to a thread of hope, that things will be better the next day.
Just completely drained. Watching Buffy on Netflix. Anything for a distraction.
I’m still barely grasping onto the idea of starting a YouTube channel…in all its superficiality and rude comments. Fuck. It’s too much to think about. Too depressed to.
I’m sure, like most bad memories, it will haunt me till I die…but I’ll be able to briefly forget about it…here and there.